THE PINK LADY & JEFF TORTURETHON
by PULP Slaves, Part Two
EPISODE 4
("The Torture Phase")
Special guest stars: Florence Henderson, Lorne Greene, Boomer the Dog, Sid Caesar, Blondie
(Jeff kicks off the show in his usual fashion.)
UB: Can we skip the “I’m a dumb-ass” part?
IR & PM: [together] No!
PM: There has to be some order here, or else there’ll be mayhem.
(Lorne Greene makes an appearance. Jeff says, “I asked him to come on tonight to explain his formula for success.”)
PM: You mean he was paid 50 grand just to show up?
(Jeff does a card trick.)
UB: This guy is the ultimate entertainer. He can do anything. I can’t wait for him to drink a glass of water and throw his voice. Let’s skip this, please---
PM: No way, it could be a set-up for a Lorne Greene musical number.
(Sid Caesar appears in the yellowface, as the gibberish-speaking “father” of Pink Lady. Florence Henderson rides shotgun.)
UB: Why don’t they just call Pink Lady “barbarians”? Why don’t they just say Japanese people are wacky? I’m sorry. I’m really sorry about everything. I’m sorry for humanity.
(Same skit, a little later.)
UB: I always thought of Florence Henderson as a classy lady, but now---
IR: Why, because of The Brady Bunch? That’s what gave you such a high opinion of her?
(Boomer the dog, from NBC’s Here’s Boomer, makes an appearance.)
UB: Look how smart he is! He can do human things! He’s a f-----g dog. Who gives a s---?
(Blondie appears in another pre-taped clip.)
UB: Whoa! That outfit is ugly as hell. Is she pregnant or what?
PM: I don’t think she’s dressing herself at this point. They sound like No Doubt.
UB: Oh, f---, a harmonica solo! She’s not on cocaine anymore, she’s clearly on some kind of hardcore stimulant.
(Florence Henderson talks about nostalgia and sings a song.)
IR: How are we supposed to make the transition from Blondie to this?
UB: Could they pick a more boring song?
IR: Uh, no, actually.
(Florence breaks into “America the Beautiful.” Everyone hits the roof.)
PM: I feel so goddamn patriotic all of a sudden!
IR: Is this just here to offset the whole Japanese thing? “We really like America!”
UB: Look at her teeth!
PM: I can’t. I’m having an attack of vagina dentate.
(Pink Lady sings “How Deep Is Your Love” and escort Jeff over to the hot tub.)
UB: Can we please not watch them get in the hot tub again?
IR: No! We have to!
PM: We are entering the Torture Phase.
IR: How do you think he feels about it? You think he wants to get in the hot tub?
UB: Can we take a break?
PM: What kind of break?
UB: Just a little sanity break.
IR: No way. You knew what you were getting into.
EPISODE 5
("The heat death of the universe")
Special guest stars: Red Buttons, Alice Cooper, Jerry Lewis
PM: Show me your respect for Jerry Lewis.
UB: I hate him, I think he’s a turd. He’s never once been funny. Not once.
(Pink Lady performs their song “Monster” in Japanese.)
UB: God, this is so much better than that disco s---.
(Red Buttons appears in a sketch and begins to sing his trademark “Ho Ho Song.”)
UB: I’m falling asleep! I’m falling asleep! Red Buttons just scraped the bottom of his joke barrel.
(Abraham Lincoln is the subject of a Dean Martin-style roast.)
PM: This skit is three hours long.
UB: Three years.
PM: God, I need a gun in my mouth. Why are they even wasting time like this? When you’ve got Jerry Lewis, you have to use him. He’s like the atom bomb. You have to use him!
IR: This is agonizing.
UB: I need to lie down on the floor.
IR: Okay, but you can’t go to sleep!
UB: Red Buttons is obviously senile at this point.
PM: So are we.
UB: Where are the Peacock Dancers?
(Pink Lady sings “MacArthur Park.”)
PM: You know you’ve really gone off the deep end when people bust out with this song.
UB: What is this song about?
PM: Well, someone left the cake out in the rain---
UB: Are they mad about it?
PM: They can’t take it, ‘cause it took so long to bake it, and they’ll never have that recipe again.
UB: That’s kind of silly.
IR: It’s depressing. It’s disturbing.
PM: It’s about entropy, the heat death of the universe, just like this show.
(Jerry Lewis shows up and takes over.)
UB: I never thought he was funny before, I always thought he was stupid as f---, but he’s pretty funny here.
PM: When he hit his “cigarettes and glasses” phase, he was at his best.
Alvin Lu: [checking up] He was like Picasso at this point. He could do anything.
IR: I think it’s just relative to the rest of the show.
UB: Jeff’s gotten funnier since Jerry Lewis showed up.
(Alice Cooper performs his song “Clones (We’re All)” from his Flush the Fashion album.)
PM: I think he’s going through a Gary Numan phase here.
UB: I think he’s on drugs.
Pink Lady sing a medley of “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”, “Dancing Queen” and “If My Friends Could See Me Now” while human marionettes with huge afros bob around them.
UB: Puppets! The Kroffts couldn’t resist! I take back everything I said about the Peacock Dancers. This is really terrible.
PM: They’re all puppets for our amusement.
IR: Oh my God. Oh s---.
PM: It’s all going down in flames.
(During the mandatory hot tub segment, Kei says, “I wonder where Jeff is?”)
UB: He probably blew his brains out.
EPISODE 6
("He looks haggard")
Special guest stars: Roy Orbison, Bobby Vinton, Byron Allen, Sid Caesar
(Pink Lady sing the Motown standard, “I Can’t Help Myself” for the opening number.)
UB: Sugar pie honey bunch. Isn’t that a cereal?
IR: You’re thinking of crunch.
PM: This song really needs the disco reworking.
UB: The Peacock Dancers are getting chubby. They look like welfare moms.
(Meet and greet with Jeff.)
UB: We’re all done, right? I want to go---
PM: Look, Bobby Vinton!
UB: He looks haggard.
PM: He looks like a werewolf caught in mid-transformation. He’s wearing something you’d see at a lowrider wedding.
UB: Isn’t he the dad on The Brady Bunch?
(Bobby sings “I Love How You Love Me”)
UB: I love how the gravy runs down your chin. What’s his new album called? Washed Up?
(Sid Caesar returns for more mock Japanese.)
UB: Oh no. I’m leaving now. This is too stupid.
(Pink Lady meets Roy Orbison, who performs “Pretty Woman.”)
UB: You know, I’ve heard this before---
PM: Yeah, but you’ve never seen the Peacock Dancers’ interpretation.
UB: I can’t take it anymore! I want to watch Jerry Lewis again.
(The last hot tub segment. A “For Sale” sign hangs nearby.)
PM: How depressing. In the last episode they have to see the hot tub. What if on the last episode of Batman they sold the Batmobile?
(Bobby Vinton gets in the hot tub with Jeff and curls his arm around him.)
UB: Is he going to give him some flowers next?
PM: Hey, can’t two grown men enjoy a hot tub together without anybody thinking it’s strange?
UB: I can’t take it anymore.
PM: I don’t want to leave this room.