(Webmaster Note: When I first read this piece in the October 2001 issue of PULP which was headlined by a magnificent feature on Pink Lady (see: Pink Spotlight), it had me rolling from laughter because it was so insanely funny. if you've ever seen an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that's what this is all about, only this is decided R-rated! At first I thought about including it with the Spotlight feature, but was unsure if I should, so I didn't. In hindsight, that was a good decision since I can use it here for the 25th anniversary feature on PL & J. If anything, reading this piece should convince everyone beyond any shadow of doubt that watching all six epsiodes of PL & J in one pop is folly of the ultimate degree! So, here it is, mostly in its manic entirety! Enjoy!) THE PINK LADY & JEFF “TORTURE” MARATHON Six excruciating hours with no break and no escape----all caught on tape! A Special PULP Human Rights Violation. So just how bad was the so-called “Pink Lady and Jeff” show? We here at PULP figured there was only one way to find out. Watch it. And record the results. That’s right. Scientific Method. But, being intelligent scientists----and not like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man----we weren’t about to run the experiment on ourselves. So we sought out unwitting patsies to serve in our stead….that’s when we rounded up our team of erstwhile video “volunteers”: Animerica scribe Urian Brown, Viz assistant editor Ian Robertson, and PULP staff writer Patrick Macias. The equipment: one tape recorder, one VHS, one TV, six Pink Lady….And Jeff tapes (available from Rhino Home Video), one large pizza, beer (twelve pack). The rules: six episodes, six hours, inside the video room, no breaks, no escape. The naked results (shared here with the general public for the first time) aren’t always pretty, but they do provide a stark lesson that, in this mysterious universe, some things are better left unknown to the human mind. EPISODE 1 Urian Brown: Is Rip Taylor going to be in this too? Pink Lady’s first number musical is “Boogie Wonderland” UB: This song is awesome. This is a good sign. NBC’s famed Peacock Dancers appear and strut their stuff. UB & Ian Robertson: [together] Wow! Patrick Macias: Such simpler times. T & A was enough. All you had to do was get out there and shake your ass on TV. UB: Where did they find all these varicose-veined hoes at? It’s disgusting. I swear the second one over is a man. PM: This is what Italian TV looks like today. You’d expect a zombie to come crashing through the wall. Pink Lady and Jeff do their first intro. UB: He’s like, “I’m dumb, make fun of me all night.” Faux sumo wrestler appears at the end of the intro. UB: Where’s the samurai and the ninja? And the geisha? Pink Lady perform a salute to the magic of radio. UB: This is awesome! Mie appears possessed by the “disco demon” while preacher Jeff Altman does his faith healer routine. UB: How much cocaine do you think they’re on? She can’t stop dancing and he can’t stop talking. Altman does a Richard Nixon impersonation and dances as part of a soul revue. UB: It looks like they have some kind of disease. OK, who can’t do a Nixon impersonation? 5-year old kids can do that. It is easy as hell. How can you not do Nixon? Why doesn’t he just put on a giant penis helmet and walk around? Blondie appears via a pre-taped segment. PM: This song was not a hit. And neither was this show. UB: Blondie is not helping. IR: Yes they are. UB: What is she on? She’s totally coked out. Her eyes are glassed over. PM: It’s the Traci Lords look. Blondie’s chorus of “whoa whoa whoa” sets in. UB: When all else fails, you can always rely on “whoa whoa whoa” to get you through. PM: Maybe they should start naming off cities. IR: [Imitating Huey Lewis] L.A., Hollywood, and the Sunset Strip! UB: I don’t know if you guys have ever done coke, but when you’ve done as much as she has, you can’t feel your face. Jeff does a Johnny Carson impersonation. UB: Actually, this is not that bad of a Carson imitation. Pink Lady’s Japanese commercial for a gadget called kincho matto generates much discussion. UB: What does it do? Izumi Evers: [while checking up on the experiment’s progress] It keeps mosquitoes away. PM: And they need Pink Lady to sell it? UB: Hey, if Larry Bird can sell hot dogs and underwear. Mie writes a letter home, saying that “Hollywood is not what we expected.” UB: I sold my p---y for crack. Bert Parks appears as Schwab’s Drugstore soda jerk and performs a song and dance saluting the “old time movies.” UB: Nice orange skin, Bert. PM: He’s drunk as a skunk. Look at his choreography. It’s like the Ernest Borgnine school of dance. Bert Parks informs Pink Lady that “that’s the way it is in the world today. Sometimes you’re on top, and sometimes, you’re on the bottom.” IR: I think he means “sometimes you’re a bottom, sometimes I’m a top.” UB: I’m versatile. Pink Lady sings “You’ve Got A Friend” and “Knock On Wood”. UB: I could watch this all night. IR: They don’t have much to offer us, for God’s sake. But they are kind of endearing. Pink Lady escort Jeff into the hot tub. UB: What are they going to do? Squirt gravy on him? I feel dirty. This is gross.
EPISODE 2 Pink Lady sing “Ease On Down The Road.” IR: More disco! This is what I want! More disco! The Peacock Dancers appear on a ferris-wheel, horse strewn stage with long canes and start to dance. IR: Look at that set! Poles and horses! PM: Why don’t they just cut to the footage of animals f-----g? They couldn’t do that on The Dukes of Hazzard? Following some banter with Jeff, everyone dances senselessly until the commercial break. UB: This is entertainment? This is f-----g horrible.
EPISODE 3 PM: This is going to be real good. During the opening segment, Jeff makes a joke about how he had to change his name because “Sex Pistols” was already taken. UB: Sex Pistols? More like Butthole Surfers. Pink Lady performs their song “UFO” in Japanese. PM: The dance for this song is like a slightly upscale version of the Funky Chicken. IR: This is still way better than what they normally do on this show. A Jimmy Carter skit leads to an appearance by “Charo”. UB: Is that really Charo? IR: No. It’s just another impersonation. UB: They couldn’t even get that bitch? Charo did The Love Boat for free. It’s pathetic. Greg Evigan star of NBC’s BJ and the Bear performs a musical number. PM: Wait, we’re being asked to take Greg Evigan seriously as a musical act? UB: What was BJ and the Bear? PM: It was this guy driving around in a truck with a f-----g chimp. UB: Did he have the Doobie Brothers backing him up like he does here? IR: I miss Pink Lady. Greg meets Pink Lady. They ask him, “What is it like doing BJ and the Bear?” UB: It’s like having a dirty monkey s------g and p-----g all over the place. Jim Varney and Jeff Altman crack jokes about a goldfish in a glass bowl. PM: This is Romper Room humor. UB: Romper Room is more honest than this. This is like dumb joke after dumb joke. IR: This is good, dude. What are you talking about? UB: If it was a bunch of Krofft puppets telling these jokes, it might not be so bad. PM: Just remember, The Dukes of Hazzard is setting the standards here. “Let’s be as stupid as possible.” UB: The Dukes of Hazzard wasn’t that stupid. They had cars, stunts, a hot chick in shorts. It’s all about being a rebel. Fighting the man. Pink Lady go to the Playboy mansion for a skit. PM: I’ve never seen Hef do sketch comedy before. UB: You’re not going to see it here either. Mie writes yet another fake letter home. The segment begins, “Kei and I had a chance to take a trip.” UB: Did she say turn a trick? A tribute to Chicago. PM: How better to top the first episode’s empty salute to Hollywood? What’s next? Tuscaloosa? UB: My mom looked better than the Peacock Dancers when she was 45. Hugh Hefner reappears to ask Pink Lady: “Do you girls think you have what it takes to be a Playboy Bunny?” UB: Yeah, can you f--- like a rabbit? The hot tub. Again. UB: Let me guess. He’s going to beg not to get in there, but he’s going to do it, then he’s going to like it. Arrgghh! The hot tub fills up with Playmates, while Hefner and Greg Evigan stand by with a chimpanzee. UB: This is it, the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life! This tops everything. PM: Look at Hef! He’s like the specter of evil lurking over the whole thing.
EPISODE 4 Jeff kicks off the show in his usual fashion. UB: Can we skip the “I’m a dumb-ass” part? IR & PM: [together] No! PM: There has to be some order here, or else there’ll be mayhem. Lorne Greene makes an appearance. Jeff says, “I asked him to come on tonight to explain his formula for success.” PM: You mean he was paid 50 grand just to show up? Jeff does a card trick. UB: This guy is the ultimate entertainer. He can do anything. I can’t wait for him to drink a glass of water and throw his voice. Let’s skip this, please--- PM: No way, it could be a set-up for a Lorne Greene musical number. Sid Caesar appears in the yellowface, as the gibberish-speaking “father” of Pink Lady. Florence Henderson rides shotgun. UB: Why don’t they just call Pink Lady “barbarians”? Why don’t they just say Japanese people are wacky? I’m sorry. I’m really sorry about everything. I’m sorry for humanity. Same skit, a little later. UB: I always thought of Florence Henderson as a classy lady, but now--- IR: Why, because of The Brady Bunch? That’s what gave you such a high opinion of her? Boomer the dog, from NBC’s Here’s Boomer, makes an appearance. UB: Look how smart he is! He can do human things! He’s a f-----g dog. Who gives a s---? Blondie appears in another pre-taped clip. UB: Whoa! That outfit is ugly as hell. Is she pregnant or what? PM: I don’t think she’s dressing herself at this point. They sound like No Doubt. UB: Oh, f---, a harmonica solo! She’s not on cocaine anymore, she’s clearly on some kind of hardcore stimulant. Florence Henderson talks about nostalgia and sings a song. IR: How are we supposed to make the transition from Blondie to this? UB: Could they pick a more boring song? IR: Uh, no, actually. Florence breaks into “America the Beautiful.” Everyone hits the roof. PM: I feel so goddamn patriotic all of a sudden! IR: Is this just here to offset the whole Japanese thing? “We really like America!” UB: Look at her teeth! PM: I can’t. I’m having an attack of vagina dentate. Pink Lady sings “How Deep Is Your Love” and escort Jeff over to the hot tub. UB: Can we please not watch them get in the hot tub again? IR: No! We have to! PM: We are entering the Torture Phase. IR: How do you think he feels about it? You think he wants to get in the hot tub? UB: Can we take a break? PM: What kind of break? UB: Just a little sanity break. IR: No way. You knew what you were getting into.
EPISODE 5 PM: Show me your respect for Jerry Lewis. UB: I hate him, I think he’s a turd. He’s never once been funny. Not once. Pink Lady performs their song “Monster” in Japanese. UB: God, this is so much better than that disco s---. Red Buttons appears in a sketch and begins to sing his trademark “Ho Ho Song.” UB: I’m falling asleep! I’m falling asleep! Red Buttons just scraped the bottom of his joke barrel. Abraham Lincoln is the subject of a Dean Martin-style roast. PM: This skit is three hours long. UB: Three years. PM: God, I need a gun in my mouth. Why are they even wasting time like this? When you’ve got Jerry Lewis, you have to use him. He’s like the atom bomb. You have to use him! IR: This is agonizing. UB: I need to lie down on the floor. IR: Okay, but you can’t go to sleep! UB: Red Buttons is obviously senile at this point. PM: So are we. UB: Where are the Peacock Dancers? Pink Lady sings “MacArthur Park.” PM: You know you’ve really gone off the deep end when people bust out with this song. UB: What is this song about? PM: Well, someone left the cake out in the rain--- UB: Are they mad about it? PM: They can’t take it, ‘cause it took so long to bake it, and they’ll never have that recipe again. UB: That’s kind of silly. IR: It’s depressing. It’s disturbing. PM: It’s about entropy, the heat death of the universe, just like this show. Jerry Lewis shows up and takes over. UB: I never thought he was funny before, I always thought he was stupid as f---, but he’s pretty funny here. PM: When he hit his “cigarettes and glasses” phase, he was at his best. Alvin Lu: [checking up] He was like Picasso at this point. He could do anything. IR: I think it’s just relative to the rest of the show. UB: Jeff’s gotten funnier since Jerry Lewis showed up. Alice Cooper performs his song “Clones (We’re All)” from his Flush the Fashion album. PM: I think he’s going through a Gary Numan phase here. UB: I think he’s on drugs. Pink Lady sing a medley of “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”, “Dancing Queen” and “If My Friends Could See Me Now” while human marionettes with huge afros bob around them. UB: Puppets! The Kroffts couldn’t resist! I take back everything I said about the Peacock Dancers. This is really terrible. PM: They’re all puppets for our amusement. IR: Oh my God. Oh s---. PM: It’s all going down in flames. During the mandatory hot tub segment, Kei says, “I wonder where Jeff is?” UB: He probably blew his brains out.
EPISODE 6 Pink Lady sing the Motown standard, “I Can’t Help Myself” for the opening number. UB: Sugar pie honey bunch. Isn’t that a cereal? IR: You’re thinking of crunch. PM: This song really needs the disco reworking. UB: The Peacock Dancers are getting chubby. They look like welfare moms. Meet and greet with Jeff. UB: We’re all done, right? I want to go--- PM: Look, Bobby Vinton! UB: He looks haggard. PM: He looks like a werewolf caught in mid-transformation. He’s wearing something you’d see at a lowrider wedding. UB: Isn’t he the dad on The Brady Bunch? Bobby sings “I Love How You Love Me” UB: I love how the gravy runs down your chin. What’s his new album called? Washed Up? Sid Caesar returns for more mock Japanese. UB: Oh no. I’m leaving now. This is too stupid. Pink Lady meets Roy Orbison, who performs “Pretty Woman.” UB: You know, I’ve heard this before--- PM: Yeah, but you’ve never seen the Peacock Dancers’ interpretation. UB: I can’t take it anymore! I want to watch Jerry Lewis again. The last hot tub segment. A “For Sale” sign hangs nearby. PM: How depressing. In the last episode they have to see the hot tub. What if on the last episode of Batman they sold the Batmobile? Bobby Vinton gets in the hot tub with Jeff and curls his arm around him. UB: Is he going to give him some flowers next? PM: Hey, can’t two grown men enjoy a hot tub together without anybody thinking it’s strange? UB: I can’t take it anymore. PM: I don’t want to leave this room.
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