FAN FICTION: A phenomenon made popular via the Internet where people write stories about their favorite fictional characters which are then posted on websites devoted to said characters. This rather unique expression of artistic license is most common with popular Japanese anime series like Sailor Moon and Dragonball-Z, just to name a few. However, stories have been written about live action television characters as well. This brings us to this cute little effort from Lady-X who brings us a most hilarious fictional adventure where (and I'm not making this up, even MY imagination has limits!), Pink Lady and Jeff Altman take a cruise on The Love Boat!! You just have to read this to believe it! And even then, I'm sure that you will! Enjoy!
PRESCRIPTION FOR CHAOS
Los Angeles -- 1980
Cruise director Julie McCoy was greeting the passengers as they came on board. She was surprised by one set of guests, which stood out from the others.
Two gorgeous young Japanese women stood on either side of a dark-haired American man. Though the ladies were rather tall for being Japanese -- roughly five foot six -- the man wasn't much taller than they were. The short-haired girl was starry-eyed and excited, while the long-haired girl looked as though she'd rather be just about anywhere else.
"Welcome aboard! I'm Julie McCoy, your ship's cruise director," Julie greeted them.
Two crewmen, purser Burl "Gopher" Smith and Dr. Adam Bricker, had been talking among themselves, until they noticed the unusual passengers who had just boarded. People on a cruise were usually couples, sometimes families...this trio was definitely different. Even more intriguing was the fact that Captain Stubing, himself, came to talk to them for a few moments.
"He must be some operator," observed Gopher. "Going on a cruise with two women? You should be so lucky, eh, Doc?"
Doc Bricker, who fancied himself to be a ladies' man, regarded the scene with a bit of jealousy. "There has to be some logical explanation for this," he declared. As soon as Captain Stubing had left, he headed toward Julie and the new passengers.
Gopher was right on his heels. Though he was smirking at Doc's curious envy, he privately felt the same way.
"Well, hi," Doc greeted the trio in a rather smarmy voice. "Welcome aboard. I'm the ship's doctor, Adam Bricker."
"I'm Jeff Altman, an up-and-coming young comedian," the man said with some pride. Julie, Doc, and Gopher were visibly confused -- for they had never heard of the man -- but tried to be polite about it.
"My name is Mie," said the short-haired Japanese lady.
"How can you be 'me'?" joked Doc, causing Gopher to roll his eyes.
"That's M-I-E," explained Jeff. "It's short for Mitsuyo."
"And you are...?" Doc prompted the long-haired girl.
"Unimpressed," she replied, with an accent even thicker than Mie's.
Doc blinked, then fell silent, stung by the rejection. From the side of his eye, he could see Gopher suppressing a snicker. Trying to smooth over the awkward moment, Julie cheerfully said, "Doc, Gopher, they are the entertainment for this cruise. Jeff is a stand-up comedian, and Mie and Kei are Pink Lady. They're going to have a TV show this fall."
"Really?" asked Gopher. "What's it called?"
"Pink Lady and Jeff," replied Jeff.
"Oh," said Gopher, and this time it was Doc's turn to smirk at Gopher's embarrassment.
As cruise director, it was Julie's job to keep everyone happy...but Doc and Gopher were making her job particularly difficult that day. "Pink Lady is very popular in Japan," she informed them. "We're privileged to have them perform on board. They're the first Japanese pop act to have a Top 40 hit and a TV show in the United States."
"Congratulations," said Doc, sliding back into smarmy mode again. "You ladies are so lovely, I'm sure you could be a success without even singing a note."
"Thank you," said Mie, beaming and bowing slightly. Meanwhile, Kei rolled her eyes again, and Jeff stood there, looking resentful.
"I think we'd better get to our rooms," Jeff declared. When Julie told them where their cabins were, Gopher picked up Mie and Kei's bags.
"Allow me to help," Doc said, but Gopher stopped him.
"The ship's doctor can't be bothered doing such menial work," Gopher declared. "But thanks for the offer."
Doc stood there sulking, and Jeff stayed back to talk to Julie for a moment longer. "I apologize for Kei's behavior," said Jeff. "She's had a falling-out with Mister Boyfriend back in Japan, so she's in a foul mood. Men, especially, are at the top of her hit list right now."
"Well, maybe I could have a little talk with her, and set her straight," offered Doc.
"Go ahead, but don't be surprised if you end up needing your own services afterward," Jeff warned him.
"Well, maybe the cruise will help cheer her up," said Julie sympathetically.
"I hope so," Jeff said, picking up his luggage. "Because right now, being around her is about as much fun as sitting on a samurai sword."
Later that evening, Julie, Doc, and Gopher were at the bar, where Isaac was on duty serving drinks. "Did you get a load of tonight's entertainment?" Isaac asked in a hushed voice. "Those ladies are fi-i-ine!"
"They certainly are turning heads," Julie agreed.
"Looks like the show's about to begin," said Gopher, as the lights went down and a spotlight was focused on the stage of the Acapulco Lounge.
Jeff Altman stepped into the spotlight, and began his monologue. A few passengers fell asleep, and Doc had to revive a man who had dozed off and fallen face-first into a bowl of guacamole. After that little emergency had been brought under control, the lights went down, and the music began.
When the lights came back up, Pink Lady was on stage, dressed in shimmering, long-sleeved white mini-dresses. They sang a medley of their hits in Japanese, as well as a few English-language oldie hits like "Stop in the Name of Love". During their set, Mie and Kei changed into other, equally glittery outfits that were sexy without being slutty. The girls' enthusiasm and energetic dancing more than made up for their difficulty with the English lyrics. By the time their set had ended, Pink Lady received a standing ovation.
"You really outdid yourself this time, Julie," declared Gopher, as he applauded.
"Those girls are dynamite," said Isaac.
When the applause died down, Gopher said, "By looking at that performance, you'd never guess that Kei was feeling depressed." Mischievously, he said, "Hey, Doc, did you ever have that little talk with Kei?"
Doc looked at Julie as if she had just handed him papers, declaring her intent to sue him for malpractice.
"I'm sorry, Doc," she said, wincing somewhat. "I didn't know you meant for that to be a secret."
"Well, Doc's no psychiatrist, but I'll bet if anybody can talk Kei out of her blue funk, he can," Gopher said.
Doc said nothing, and just gave him an annoyed glare.
"What are you talking about?" asked Isaac.
"Didn't Doc tell you?" Gopher asked, feigning innocence. "Kei and her boyfriend in Japan have had a falling out. Right now, Kei hates the world -- especially the half that's populated by men. So Doc said he was going to talk to her, and set her straight. That was the phrase you used, wasn't it, Doc?" he said, with a goofy laugh.
Doc tried to ignore him, but his efforts were in vain.
"Come on, Doc...you're not chickening out, are you?"
"No, I'm not 'chickening out'. I'm just waiting for the right time to approach her, that's all."
Isaac, joining in the gleeful tormenting of Doc, chimed in, "There's no time like the present."
Doc turned his annoyed glare toward Isaac. "Are you out of your mind? She just got through giving a performance. Those girls have to be exhausted right now!"
Gopher and Isaac began making clucking and squawking sounds.
"Real mature, you guys," said Doc, struggling to maintain his dignity. But neither that statement nor Julie's exasperated sigh did anything to deter the cacophony. "Oh, all right, I'll see if I can talk to her. Now are you satisfied?"
He stalked off angrily, and after a moment, Gopher and Isaac left to spy on him. Anxiously, Julie followed, hoping to defuse any embarrassing situation that might result from this ridiculous dare.
Doc knew where Pink Lady was staying -- for he had sneaked a look at the passenger list when Julie's back had been turned. He had felt guilty at first, but now he was just angry at Julie for telling Gopher what he had said to Jeff Altman. As usual, Doc's mouth had written a check that his butt couldn't cash, but there was no way out. Though he couldn't see Gopher and Isaac, he could just feel their eyes, spying on him from somewhere nearby.
Doc stopped short, when he saw a burly Japanese man in a suit and tie, who was standing in front of the door. Clearly, he was a bodyguard, though Doc hadn't seen him come on board. But maybe this would work in his favor....
"Uh...good evening," Doc said nervously. Although the Japanese man was several inches shorter, Doc still felt intimidated by him. "I'm the ship's doctor, Adam Bricker. I'd like to speak to Kei, if I may."
The bodyguard's dark eyes regarded Doc skeptically. "I am sorry," he said. "But Kei-san did not call for a doctor."
"I know," Doc said. "I simply wanted to talk to her."
"I am sorry," the man repeated. "Kei-san must rest after performing. Please to come back some other time."
"I understand...thank you." You don't know how much I appreciate this, Doc thought, as he left. But he knew that Gopher and Isaac wouldn't give him a moment's peace, for the rest of the cruise.
The next day, on the Lido Deck, Mie and Kie lounged near the pool while Jeff Altman went schmoozing with the other passengers, and pretending to be somebody.
Doc had spent the morning administering No-Doz to twelve passengers still suffering the aftereffects of Altman's monologue the night before. He was finally able to get out of his office for lunch, but on his way to grab something to eat, he noticed Mie and Kei in their bikinis. He also noticed Julie, Gopher, and Isaac at the bar, and an idea formed in his mind.
"If they see me talking to the Japanese girls," Doc mused aloud, "they might think I've had that talk with Kei, and then they'll leave me alone."
"Good afternoon, ladies," said Doc as he approached. "I hope you're enjoying your cruise."
"Oh, yes," Mie said, her eyes shining. "Everyone is being so nice."
Kei remained silent, so Doc spoke to Mie again. "Is she all right? If she's not feeling well, I am a doctor...."
"Kei wants to be home," Mie explained. "Her boyfriend is angry because she is away so much."
Kei looked sharply at Mie, then began speaking rapidly in Japanese. Mie protested, and soon the girls were bickering. Finally, Kei grabbed her things and stalked away.
"Kei-chan! Kei-chan!" Mie called after her. "Excuse me," she said to Doc, as she gathered her own things. "Kei-chan! Chotto matte...gomen ne!" she cried, running after her friend.
Doc sighed, and in a flash, he was surrounded by Julie, Gopher, and Isaac. "I take it the little talk didn't go over too well," said Gopher, laughing stupidly.
"I didn't even get a chance to talk to her," snapped Doc. "They got into an argument, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise."
"Guys, leave Doc alone," begged Julie. "Kei's obviously upset enough as it is."
"You know, you're right," said Isaac, pretending to be serious. "Doc shouldn't be getting involved."
"I'm glad you're finally understanding," Julie said.
"You're the cruise director," Isaac went on. "It's your job to make sure everybody on board is happy."
Julie heaved an exasperated groan and walked away.
"Does that mean you still want Doc to talk to Kei?" Gopher called after her.
A couple of hours later, Mie and Kei had apparently patched up their differences, for they were playing table tennis. Hesitantly, Doc approached them once more.
He had insisted that Gopher and Isaac stand outside the door, where the girls couldn't see them. Julie, in turn, had insisted on staying with Gopher and Isaac, to make sure they behaved themselves.
Despite her best efforts at self-control, Julie couldn't resist the urge to spy on Doc, right along with Gopher and Isaac. Doc appeared to be having more success in speaking with the girls, for they were talking seriously, and Kei wasn't walking away.
After a few minutes, though, they were all surprised when Kei screamed, "Hentai-i-i!" Before anyone could react, Kei slapped Doc across the face so hard, that he lost his balance and fell. He came to a skidding halt on his backside, right in front of the door where Gopher, Isaac, and Julie were standing.
"I see you haven't lost your touch with the ladies, Doc," quipped Gopher.
"Those skinny girls can pack quite a wallop, can't they?" added Isaac.
Frowning at them reproachfully, Doc stood up and hurried away, doing his best to ignore his friends' juvenile laughter.
"This has gone far enough," declared Julie, her blue eyes blazing with anger. "You two go and apologize to Doc right now. Tell him to come back here, because I want to talk to him. I'm going to talk to the girls, and try to straighten out the mess you guys have made."
Gopher and Isaac hurried to catch up with Doc. When Julie spoke like that, she meant business...and any further fooling around might land them in trouble with Captain Stubing.
When Doc reluctantly returned to the scene, he found Julie chatting amiably with Mie and Kei.
"There you are, Doc," said Julie cheerfully. "Come on, the girls want to talk to you."
Doc slowly approached, as if fearing another attack. To his relief, though, none of the girls seemed upset with him anymore.
"I am so sorry," said Mie. "I did not understand you, so I translated badly."
Julie smiled and said, "It was all a misunderstanding, Doc. Mie says you asked her to help translate what you were saying. But something got lost in the translation, so Kei thought you were propositioning her."
"I am sorry, too," Kei said to Doc. "Julie explained, you just tried to cheer me up. Daijoubu desu?"
"She means, are you all right?" explained Mie.
"Yes, I'm fine," said Doc. But privately, he agreed with Isaac...the girl did pack a wallop!
"I did not mean to embarrass you to your friends," Kei continued. "I did not know they are watching."
"They did apologize to you, didn't they, Doc?" asked Julie, looking as if she were ready to head straight to the Captain's office.
"Yes, they did," Doc replied, feeling even more embarrassed. Mie and Kei must have thought that he, Gopher, and Isaac were like unruly children, needing Julie to keep them in line.
"Well," Julie said smugly, "the girls and I were talking, and we came up with a little idea to make Gopher and Isaac eat a little humble pie."
"Is that an American dessert?" asked Mie innocently.
At the Captain's table that evening, Mie and Kei were seated on either side of Doc. Jeff Altman was on the other side of the table, with Julie beside him.
Gopher and Isaac had been banished to a table nearby; Julie had threatened to tell Captain Stubing everything, if they protested the seating arrangement. Deep down, though, they felt bad for teasing Doc so relentlessly, because things had just about gotten out of hand. Doc could have ended up in deep trouble, had Kei complained to Captain Stubing about him.
"So, Mister Altman," Captain Stubing was saying, "what's it like working with such beautiful and charming young ladies?"
"It's pretty much what you might expect," Jeff replied, with forced pleasantness. He wasn't sure which annoyed him more -- forever playing second fiddle to Mie and Kei, or watching them fawn over the ship's doctor like a pair of geisha girls. Unaware that Mie and Kei were putting on an act to make Gopher and Isaac jealous, Jeff couldn't figure out what Adam Bricker had that he didn't have. (DNA, perhaps?)
Doc, on the other hand, couldn't decide which was more fun -- being in the company of the charming young ladies in question, or watching Gopher and Isaac practically gnashing their teeth with envy. "If you'll excuse us, Captain," he said, "it's such a lovely evening, that I'd like to go for a walk. Ladies?"
With Mie on one arm and Kei on the other, Doc haughtily walked right past Gopher and Isaac's table. Julie put her hand to her mouth to stifle the giggle that threatened to burst forth. "Well," she said, "it looks like Mie and Kei have found their date for this cruise. Now, we'll just have to find one for Jeff."
A moment later, a sultry woman's voice purred, "Hello, there."
Jeff and Julie turned around, to find a woman standing right behind them. Though her voice was gorgeous, the rest of her was not; she was short, dumpy, and looked as if her parents were brother and sister.
"I was wondering if you'd like to dance," the woman said to Jeff.
"Um...ah...it's very nice of you to offer, but...I already have a date," Jeff replied hastily. "Julie, let's go for that walk now, shall we?"
If you like classic TV or The Love Boat, please visit The Many Roles Of Bernie Kopell. ^_^